The Uber Sue of Doom
by Margolo Blu
Summary: A random story about Mary Sue, made for giggles and cheap laughs. One shot


_And the Mary Sues quote is 246 words long, takes up half a page, and is one single, grammatically correct sentence. I'm proud of that…_

**The Uber Sue of Doom! **

Contentedly and smugly, Hellboy leaned against the microwave, holding the mug of coffee in his right hand.

_Hot as hell, black as sin_, as Liz would describe it. And that is just the way he liked. The coffee, like Liz's voice, was his wake up call in the morning before work. He could work without the coffee, but Liz's comment, that he could not work without. Everyone knew a groggy Hellboy was much more compliant than a cranky Hellboy at the BPRD.

It was nice having a stone right hand of doom, even though it was the key to the door of the Apocalypse, it doubled as an oven mitt. As a child he loved reaching into the oven at the army base in New Mexico to steal a few cookies while Broom was not looking. As an adult, he came to enjoy the simple pleasure of the toasty warmth the mug of coffee left on his right hand.

Hellboy sipped the coffee, his mouth was just as pain resistant as his hand. Wonderful…

"Morning my beloved!" a high pitched voice exclaimed.

Hellboy spit the boiling hot coffee across counter, still steaming. That definitely was not Liz, never would she give him such a tone of voice. A cat yowled as a hot gusher of coffee hit it in the rear end. It leapt wildly into the wall, knocking one of the paintings off the wall, scraping the pictures as it slid downwards. It tore towards the door, flying under the bright pink ballroom style skirt of a young girl…woman…no girl…no, woman…no girl…no…a young female of the human race who's face appears to sixteen but who's body appears to be of a woman in her early twenties.

Sun kissed golden blond hair blended with metallic rose red streaks flowed down past her waist in wavy torrents. Wings as white as ivory, smooth as silk jutted from her delicate shoulders, and silky cat ears poked through the thick waves of her hair. A halo of silvery gold floated above her head. Her eyes were massive and round, the same shade of blue as a clear summer afternoon sky. Her pupils, heart shaped, were the dark blue hue of an early morning sky, just prior to the sun rising. Bolts of silver segmented her irises. Her cheeks blushed rosy, the same color of her small, full lips, the same exact color of the roses on the cover of Disney's Sleeping Beauty or the rose under glass in Beauty and the Beast.

"Who are you?" Hellboy asked dryly, cocking an eyebrow.

"MORNING MY BELOVED! I have wondrous news for you!" the woman exclaimed, stars in her eyes. Her voice was that of a sparrow in the morning, high pitched, musical, and annoying as hell when you are trying to sleep in.

"No, seriously who are you?"

"Oh my beloved Hellboy, I am pregnant with our love child!"

"Seriously, who the hell are you? And how the hell did you get in here? This is a friggin' government facility. There's security everywhere!"

"This morning after our passionate love making last night, hours after you saved me from the evil dark force that wished to drain the my amazing, apocalyptic, angelic demonic hybrid, innocent, and untapped energy from my soul that I positively had no clue I had, but the dark force knew I had and had been hunting me down since my abandonment as a baby because of my mixed heritage, and I was too naïve to use it, and when I did I only used to save my friends which proved to be my down fall, resulting in my capture by the dark force, but you came to rescue me fighting tooth and nail for me and my love, which we both have been secretly putting off even though we knew we loved each other but were embarrassed to admit and a few times came close to kissing and spoke to close friends about our growing love for each other, and you nearly died trying to save me, being knocked to the ground bloodied and bruised, and I cried for you, and my powers were over took the dark force, weakening it and you finished it off, and after you taken me out of my chains, you not only unchained me but our hearts and we shared our first deep true kiss, the passion overflowing and late last night, the time between my rescue and then are nothing but a blur, we shared our beds and this morning, I have thrown up, confirming the presence of a baby, conceived from the union of our love!"

Hellboy was silent, pointing one finger at the girl/woman, eyes and mouth wide, the remainder of the coffee in his cup dripping onto the floor. "How…how…how the hell did you get in here? There's like two hundred security cameras around the perimeter! In fact, there's one in here!"

"It is not grand? A child born from our union! Our love! We will love each other as passionately everyday as yesterday, and we will joke about the day we met to our unborn baby, most likely twins and girls or perhaps a girl and boy one in your looks one in my looks and it is possible I could die in childbirth or be sick for many years afterwards, about how we took each other's breath away at first sight," the girl/woman exclaimed.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Hellboy exclaimed. "And more specifically, what the hell are you talking about? I have been around possessed people who made more sense than you!"

"My beloved Hellboy, you are excited are you not? A baby! A baby for us, an impossibility but I am pregnant!"

"Liz? Liz? Liz! LIZ!" Hellboy shouted down the hall. "Where are you? I can…CAN'T…explain this! Liz? I have no friggin' clue how she got in here! Liz?"

"And we will love our child, perhaps only one of us can raise it, since something may happen to the other and our child will not know of its superpower, but we will sacrifice tooth and nail for our child…"

"ABE! Brother Blue! Please tell me you sensed her! Abe? Abe? What is she? Abe…?"

It may have been the girl's power that kept Abe from sensing her, her amazing strength, powerful vortexes of arrays of magic and telekinesis that formed a barrier than no power can pass through. Maybe it was her inner turmoil that kept Abe as he tapped her mind from answering Hellboy. The overwhelming fears and pain that racked her internally could have easily racked the merman's, devastating his mind in tsunami of abandonment, abuse, and fear. It was not any of the above. As the merman attempted to tap the girl-woman's mind, a cascade of unicorns, puppy dogs, awwwdorable dwagons, talking cats, hearts, stars and horse shoes, clovers and balloons, pots of gold, rainbows, and a red butted baboon flooded his mind, exploded into his thought pattern like the asteroid that hit in Central America, killing the dinosaurs, except this time instead of fling the corpses of dinosaurs in its wake, the explosion sent unicorns and hearts flying through the air hitting Abe with the same efficiency as the eight ton corpse of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Abe, alive and stable, floated to the top of his tank, his mind spinning, unable to focus. Abe's condition was similar to one who had the misfortune of being stuck in a cheap, precarious carnival tilt-o-wheel for five straight hours. The sickening sweetness was the polar body to his rotten eggs, have a similar effect on he as one who was to sample his favorite delicacy.

"Oh give me a hug my beloved Hellboy!" the girl exclaimed, opening her arms. Hellboy watched as each step she took, the blackness, the shadows drained away, sucked into an endless abyss. "Hug me Hellboy!"

"NO NO! GO AWAY! LIZ! LIZ!" Hellboy exclaimed as the girl approached, arms wide open. Her steps were slow like the Statue of Liberty in Ghostbusters II. Her hair and long dress blew in the wind, sculpted perfectly. A dove landed on her arm. Each step, shadows disappeared, blackness lifted like grime off of a gemstone.

"HUG ME!"

"NO, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

"HUG ME!" she exclaimed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The shadows were sucked away from his boots, workings its way up to his ankles his knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hellboy screamed as she drew closer.

"Hellboy! Hellboy!" Liz exclaimed, shaking Hellboy.

Helboy panted in bed, sweat, cold sweat ran down his body. "I had a helluva nightmare Liz. You weren't there, I couldn't find you. Abe wasn't there. No one was there. But this girl…this freaky girl…and those eyes, and bunnies, lots of bunnies…and Lucky Charms, and geesh, it was like an eighties cartoon on crack."

Hellboy rubbed his head.

"You should get back to bed," Liz offered.

"Yeah," Hellboy said, "give me a moment. I have to go do something."

Hellboy walked into the study, or the dormitory as Liz preferred to call it, it had books, papers, and a computer, but was unspeakably messy. Cats snoozed on shelves, chairs, filing cabinets, and the top of the massive computer monitor, which glowed eerily, like television screen in Poltergeist. Hellboy pulled the plug, the computer died.

"That is the last time I put my name in Google!" he grumbled and his wobbled back to bed.

In the stillness of the night and muted by the purrs of the sleeping cats, the screen turned back on.

"Hello! My beloved? Hello! Come set me free!"

_And here's another crappy little story, to be fair, with two Marty Stus that I own. I used to do a random, free form RPG with Calliope Foster, and my two characters were Gideon Angelus (he's a British-Italian book loving creature that looks like a sheep, though everyone calls him the "Golden Calf") and Lizardman, a Creole lizard like creature who like vinyl records who is the ancestor to my character Ahka the Destroyer of Heroes. This was an actual scene in the RPG Calliope and I did, that I elaborated on and made into a short story for Fictionpress. This story is wellover a year old, and the only relation the two characters have to Hellboy is the fact they work for BPRD. The original story, (long gone), is about three years old. _

**Dead People**

"Holy hell!" Gideon exclaimed as a skeletal hand scantily covered in papery grey skin burst from the ground. Fingers, nails hanging off of the tips, wiggled in the cool moist air, clicking together like hollow castanets. Gripping his gun in one hand and gritting his heavy teeth, Gideon brought his heel down on the hand like person crushing a wolf spider. The sound of the hand, crushing like a K'Nex kit, echoed into the heavy night air.

The top of a skull, emerging like a toadstool from the thick dark earth, pushed its way through the soil that once kept captive. Before the hideous face could emerge Gideon brought his foot down on the skull. It shattered like an eggshell, the stringy dust brains coated his foot like spider webs.

Around him Gideon could hear the soil move, stones crack together, the scraping sounds of bones against tombstones.

"Lizardman!" he called out.

"Over here!" Lizardman screamed from the distance. "There's a mausoleum over here!"

There was a crash in the distance. A struggle ensued. Bones cracked. Gideon felt his heart dropped as Lizardman screamed out. He ran, gripping his revolver with its two remaining bullets, to the scene of the fight.

Something flew through the dark branches, a blacker dot blacking out a black sky. There was a hollow crack as it hit Gideon's left temple. The shock nearly caused Gideon to black out. He sucked air into his lungs in thick gulps as blood leaked down the side of his face from a thin gash above his eyebrow. Gideon felt to one knee as his blood soaked into the soil that swallowed up so much death.

The ornamental trees with their dark, oval shape leaves shook, sounding like tiny plastic bells. One eye closed tightly, Gideon aimed his gun at the small distance between the trees. His arm shook very much like thin, wobbly branches of the tree. A bright light shined in his good eye, further blinding him. A shadowy figure stood before him, holding something in its hands in the style an executioner holds his axe. A tail flicked behind the figure. Gideon's eyes adjusted. Lizardman, a grin from earhole to earhole, stood in front of him, hefting a heavy undertaker's shovel.

"Lizardman! What the hell!" Gideon exclaimed.

"What happened to you?" Lizardman asked, tilting the mining cap up. He leaned over on the shovel, the tip of it covered in coffin dust and strands of dry hair. He turned his head in the direction of the object that injured Gideon. The beam from his mining helmet shown on the skull of a zombie, minus is bottom jaw, laying the dewy grass.

"WOW, that thing got distance!" Lizardman exclaimed, obviously thrilled.

"Come on," Gideon exclaimed grabbing hold of Lizardman's skinny wrist before he could gloat, "let's get the hell out of here and get to that mausoleum. We should be able to set a radio up on the roof and call the BPRD to come get us."

The mausoleum Lizardman had spoken up stood in the center of the expansive of graveyard. It was a mansion among the monuments. Zombies, stiff and bent over, ambled around the building, dry, cracking limbs dragging on the wet grass as brown-grey chunks dropped off.

Gideon rushed through the zombies, cracking them with his gun, smashing fragile skulls, busting faces, and ripping open ribcages with each blow. Lizardman, hefting his shovel with great skill, took the knees out from under the living corpses, sending limbs flying across the yard.

"BRING IT!" Lizardman exclaimed hitting a head like a pro baseball player hits a homerun ball. "Is that all you got?"

"Lizardman! Now!" Gideon exclaimed from the doorway. Lizardman was still a good twenty yards away the door. Pumping all his energy into his legs, Lizardman sprinted across the yard, shovel and a group of zombies in tow. Lizardman tripped on the doorstop as went flying into the mausoleum just as the zombies rushed the door. Gideon slammed the door on their faces. Bony fingers scraped at the door.

Gideon quickly shoved a heavy marble bench in front the door. Lizardman was just standing up, brushing off. A groan came from the room.

"What was that?" Gideon exclaimed, his ear pricking.

Lizardman looked at his shovel; a head was impaled on it. Grabbing the handle of it, Lizardman smashed the shovel against the tiling, busting open the head and chipping the flooring.

"Why won't you die!" Lizardman exclaimed, each syllable punctuated with a thud. Gideon rested a hand on Lizardman's shoulder.

"No need to get dramatic buddy," Gideon said and not in good humor. Lizardman dropped the shovel, coated in brown sludge. It landed on the floor with an echoing thumb.

"Dammit," Gideon said, examining their surroundings. "There doesn't appear to be a way to get up on the roof. But we've got time at least."

A window shattered. Hands reached into, grasping onto nothing.

"Okay, maybe we don't got time," Lizardman said, looking over his shoulder through greasy brown bangs.

"Shit," Gideon swore as the door began to splinter. He fell against the wall. So did Lizardman.

"You know, Gid," Lizardman said. "There's something I've been wanting to say since we entered this cemetery. I didn't want to say it because it was corny. And I know you would have gotten mad if I did, but since we're about to die, can I say it?"

"Go ahead," Gideon said dryly, his eyes focusing on the limbs coming through the doors.

Lizardman jumped ahead, a clawed green finger pointing at the door. His voice rose.

"I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"


End file.
